In LGBTIQA+ communities, when family support is not always available, it’s common for people to become carers for their partners, exes, housemates or friends. That may mean helping someone manage a disability, supporting a friend through mental illness, or looking after someone with a medical condition.
That was the case for David, whose retirement took an unexpected turn when his close friend Barry became seriously ill. Since 2021, they have shared a home in Lockington, where David has been Barry’s full-time carer.
“I met Barry through my desire to become a grey nomad,” David says. “I was hoping to learn from his knowledge and experience of touring Australia. But during the time we were getting to know each other, he got crook.”
Barry has a medical condition that causes his red blood cells to break down faster than they can be replenished. His body struggles to get enough oxygen as a result, leaving him weak, constantly tired and short of breath.
“At first, it was just companionship,” David explains. “But then it grew to full-time care, driving him to and from appointments, doing all the grocery shopping and outside stuff, cooking meals, washing clothes, helping him get in and out of bed and managing all the life admin. It’s basically 24/7”
The mental and physical toll on David is real. Living in a rural area means his options for transportation, socialisation and community support are limited.
“It can be very taxing on me,” David admits. “You get broken sleep, you’re never fully relaxed. Your mental state becomes fragile.”
Alongside the practical and emotional challenges, David faces constant assumptions about the nature of his relationship with Barry. Both identify as gay, but their relationship is not romantic.
“When Barry was in hospital, I walked up to the nurses’ desk and they said, ‘your partner.’ I said, ‘no, I’m his carer.’ People always want to make it something it’s not.”
For David and for many LGBTIQA+ carers, the added pressure to explain or justify their role introduces yet another layer of mental and emotional stress.
At breaking point
The weight of being a full-time carer eventually became too much for David. He was at his breaking point when a friend suggested he reach out to Carer Gateway, a national program that provides free support and services for people who care for someone with disability, chronic illness, mental health challenges or age-related conditions.
“I hate picking up the phone and asking for help,” David admits. “It’s not until I get into that really bad mindset that I do something about it.”
When David finally made the call, Carer Gateway organised emergency respite care for Barry, giving David the break he desperately needed.
“I was in a chronic state, and they picked up on it straight away. They said, ‘I’ll get everything organised,’ and called back within the hour with a room for Barry. All that load was taken off me, and I could regenerate while Barry was looked after.”
Since then, David has accessed additional respite support through Carer Gateway, giving him the chance to rest and recharge.
Despite the challenges he has faced, David knows he’s exactly where he is meant to be.
“Barry helped me through my darkest times,” he says. “He took me from being a depressed, anxiety-ridden person to being totally off medication.”
“The least I could do is be there for him. That’s my nature.”
Carer Gateway offers free, safe and inclusive services for carers across Victoria, including counselling, coaching, peer support groups, tailored support packages and respite care. Support is available in person, online or over the phone.
Call 1800 422 737, Monday to Friday, 8am–5pm. Emergency respite is available 24/7.
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